when you are looking into your snowcovered garden right at the moment when the sun comes up over the horizon, sending its rays through the snowcovered branches of the trees in front of your window right onto your skin – and you don’t feel a thing. You kind of KNOW that it should be tickling your soul, send a smile over your face and conjure up feelings of happy winters of your childhood. You KNOW that it usually makes you giddy and normally you couldn’t wait to get into your snowsuit, grab your camera and your dog and set out for a long joyful walk out there. But you FEEL your body being heavy, your mind not reacting at all, except that it’s telling you that it’s all so exhausting, and you know you are missing out and it doesn’t even seem to matter. You let it go by, lie down again, shut your eyes and give in to the need to shut yourself away from the world. Maybe right because it is so beautiful and you have lost the capability to enjoy it.
The intensity of this experience is different from patient to patient. In early, not too intense stages, all this might be just a thought that makes it harder to actually go out and enjoy yourself, but after you’ve come over it, it’s all right. You don’t actually feel happy, but at least you got moving. A little further down depression road, it may keep you from doing what’s good for you a little longer. ‚a little‘ being anything from a few hours to a day or so‘. If you actually don’t get up anymore, you’re in serious trouble and should seek professional help asap, if you haven’t done that already.
I am not there yet, but seeing how fast things can turn around, there is a certain fear that it may come to that. I remember times, when I slept two, three times a day (during the day, mind), because I couldn’t handle life anymore. It’s not a nice place to be and I don’t want to go back. Luckily I have some good tools at hand, thanks to the Human Trust and my Transformation Therapy Education, and I will use them.