that effing d-word – feeling small

The last time I wrote, I tried to give an impression of what depression can feel like. I sat here in that exact situation looking inside for some reaction to the beauty around me and found none. That was really something rather shocking for me. Especially since the love for beautiful things was the main reason to start this blog…

Well, things happen, life happens and it doesn’t always go, as we plan. And even if you’re on a really good way and seem to have things worked out, there is always a chance of a setback.

I wanted to write a 2016 review ever since October. Because that was when I started to review the year and it left me, let’s say, surprised. I hadn’t really understood until then, what I had been shouldering until then. Also, it was really really not easy to stand up to the fact that for a few months I had actually been mobbed at worked. And since our experiences in life are always a reflection of what is insinde us, life dealt me people who also didn’t see it. The main reason I didn’t want to realize it was that confessing to myself that someone had actually succeded in mobbing me would mean to me that I was a loser.

I am not a power-person. But I am, or at least outside of 2016 I always was and again am, a very clear thinking person. Very straight and much more with my eyes on the goal than I had realized myself. When I start a certain task, especially when there is other people involved, I go for it. That’s because I am altruistically motivated, deeply. I love to support others, I actually go for others. What’s funny is that in 2016 I was mainly surrounded by power people who feared most of all that someone might take their power away.

I read a nice posting on facebook lately: If you want to find out who controlls you life, see who you are not allowed to criticize. When I asked friends, why these power people react so crassly to me, most of them say immediately ‚because of your clarity‘.

So it doesn’t come as a surprise that I have managed to draw just another such person into my life and it leaves me anxious. I really don’t want to relive what I had to go through during that last year. So, what’s the message here? Empower yourself! Some time after we closed down our family hotel, which was also my childhood home, I got infected with existential fears. It doesn’t really come as a surprise, but I had thought I’d be up to the challenge. Instead, it had made me lose myself in clouds of existential fears that are appearently lodged deep within me, that were triggered by the mobbing. In October it started to dawn on me that every decision I had made from that point on was targeted on fear. Not on any kind of actual goal. I mean, I do understand how that happened – losing home and job at kind of the same time might be tougher than I was prepared to allow. But it was not healthy. So at the start of january, after yet another extremely pleasant talk with one of my bosses (I hope you notice the sarcasm here), I went into a solid breakdown. I think I didn’t really understand how far I had come in the wrong direction. Allowing people to belittle me again and again and again. Because I had, at some point along the way, started to belittle myself. Out of fear. That really never works out.

What still fascinates me is the fact that there is still, no matter how much you have learned in life and no matter how ‚far‘ you’ve come in your personal development, you are never save from a setback and it can happen really, really fast. For ten whole years I have been working out many of my emotional and mental problems that were in part a legacy of my family (history) and my own experiences from an early start on. And I have really come ‚far‘. But you’re never out of the danger zone, because you don’t always realize when fears are taking over instead of anything that has to do with conscious awareness. Nobody is perfect. Nor will they ever be.

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