For weeks I have had this urge to share things that are happening, but I just couldn’t because every single part of me was too busy keeping track. What looks like total silence from the outside are massive waves on the inside. I feel like I am being pulled apart and put together again. How can you tell anyone when you’re right in the middle? I couldn’t even find words for myself! No, I had to wait it out. Friends became worried because I didn’t talk anymore. I was still there and I told them, I have no words right now. It’s all fine, but I am all-consumed by my inner workings. I cannot do anything on the outside. Some got it, some got even more worried.
It is true that I haven’t been so ‚weak‘ for many, many years. Weak in the sense that I have been struggeling for too long. But I didn’t know what my struggle really was. I had feeble ideas, but they didn’t come close. So when depression hit this time, I realized, what I needed is time. Time. Time. TIME! And I was under pressure. I don’t have the time! I had one year! Isn’t that enough? What will the doc say? He won’t let me be sick forever! I saw my time running out – and myself going down. I couldn’t go back. Not now, maybe not forever. So whenever I came to my doctor’s practice, I fell apart. I had no controll over it. The minute he asked me how I was, tears would well up in my eyes and I was gone, crying uncontrollably, leaving with this feeling in my gut that I would go down. Until I realized why. I was so full of fear that I had to go back into a world I wasn’t fit for anymore. So I told him and he took my fears away. Fears that derive from what I have learned about being sick from my family. There, sickness is nothing but an underhand plot to gain more free time. So I was afraid that someone would come across and say: you’re not sick! You just want free time! Forget it!
After that day, when I talked to my doc about that, we decided on a plan and that was the first time I could breathe. Now I had time. As much as I needed. And almost right then, things started to work, insights were gained and just like that, within a very short period of time, everything is different, because of one little insight: Being healthy is not the same thing as being normal. That’s when I realized what I had been struggeling for: All my life, right until a week ago, I had been labouring under the impression that when I would overcome my biography and finally heal, I would fit in. I would be a normal person, doing normal work, dealing normally with people, fitting in society and the ’normal‘ world. I would be able to do, what everybody else did. Find a decent job, make some decent money, find a nice guy, get married, all that. A normal life.
Well, I am not normal. I will never be. I don’t want to be talking about the fact that ’normal‘ does not exist. I am talking about the ’normal‘ that I have once defined for myself, which is what I have just described. But it’s all bullshit. I cannot be, because I will never have the same basics. I have not been born and loved like those ’normal‘ people I wanted to belong to. I was adopted (which is a story of its own) and then raised by a borderline mother (which is the second). I have not been abused, but I got hit as a child and even as a teenager. I have worked on all that. My inability to be in a relation ship. The fact that I had inherited a borderline personality and worked on it. I have healed a lot. Most of the time I feel, I am there. Not perfect or anything, but I have built a ground for me to stand on and build my life upon. So why didn’t things turn out? Because I had the wrong aim. I wanted to be normal. Fit in.
The minute I understood this, my whole world changed for me. I am changing. Well, not changing, just getting to know myself better yet again. They say you have to work through layers. Well, that is true. It is a fact, that I do not want to fit into a society that is deeply disturbed – because that is what unites those I had labelled normal. It is NOT a sign of universal health if people follow some unwritten societal rules and the tracks that are following without ever asking themselves if that’s what they want. It is NOT healthy to blindly project everything on other people and blaming them for unwanted feelings. It is NOT a good sign if people put money over their well-being. I do not want to argue anymore with anyone about point of views, because the only thing that is about is being right or wrong. I don’t care about that. I don’t need to be right. When I say something, it’s in the hope of giving impulses. These can hit the mark or somewhere else. In both cases it brings clarity, which is the point of it. I don’t have the necessity to be spot-on. I just like to help broadening views and supporting people in finding their own happiness – as I like to be helped that way myself.
I was close, very very close to giving up. After I had discovered that my best friend of several years had been lying to me all this time – passing my will off as hers even against a lot of questions along the lines of ‚are you sure that really is what YOU want?‘, doing what she thought I’d approve but nothing of her own will, trying to rope me into that kind of relationship that she had left her husband for (a foul deal, in the end). That in tow with yet another mobbing incident, yet another time where I had to sue my boss because she didn’t even have the decency to pay me after she (thankfully) fired me, while I was sitting in a house that is so badly maintained I am afraid that the facade will collapse any day now. It was a real breakdown. And a lot of pressure. And lack of time. So I was really close to giving up. Not in a physical kind of way, but in giving up my beliefs. Surrender to the abnormal normality, where conciousness, knowledge about yourself and all the steps I had taken towards healing didn’t count or were something to frown upon or secretly laugh about.
But in all my life I have never given up. I was – and maybe I still am – at one of the weakest points of my life. But even then there was some part of me who just wouldn’t surrender. It’s a stubborn part that has some deeper knowledge than my mind can penetrate. Since then I have discovered that, yes, I am a very quick person, but I cannot act this quickly anymore. I need a lot of time and, at least for now, the total absence of any sort of pressure. And since I have been through a very fast life and one that has always been full of pressure, I am very much inclined to just let it go forever. Maybe I’ve had my share of it. People around me start noticing that I am acting differently. A friend of mine keeps being suprised that I am not quick, that I don’t want to talk much, that I need peace and quiet. That’s not what people know of me. Also the weakness is new to some. But I love my weakness right now. It’s slowing me down, giving me space to breathe, helping me understand that I have been strong for 38 years – stronger than many would have been in the same situation. It is so time to be weak and quiet and silent and even withdrawn for once. I don’t need more right now. I cannot even handle more right now than a quiet countrylife where the the hardest task is to maintain my first and wonderful pot garden on my terrace.
I have given up. I have given up on the idea of a normality I wanted to reach once I was healed. And now I am on a new, totally unknown path. And all I want and need for now is to see, where it leads me and who I will encounter. All I know is, I will never be normal. No, deep down I always have been and always will be myself. And I am proud of that. And I love that. All the time I hear people struggeling with themselves, how they have bent themselves to others and to society’s conventions. I have always been surrounded by people who have tried to be someone else. I never have done that. I have always been myself and I wanted to be accepted as such by those who wouldn’t allow themselves exactly this. Well, that couldn’t work, could it? The most I would get would, of course, be suspicion and jealousy. So now I am really curious to see, who else is out there. I cannot wait to meet other really authentic people, really honest people, people who are used to sticking up for themselves. I don’t want to help others achieve this any more. I want to meet people like me, who have always done that. And therefore accpreciate and acknowledge those who do as well. I will use my intution instead of questioning it, because it has always given me the right impulses. I will distinguish who I let in close to me. There will be boundaries that haven’t been there before. Things are changing.
So careful people, I am on a mission. A mission to live my very own, unique life and now nothing’s gonna stop me anymore! If anyone’s got a problem with that, they are more than welcome to keep it. And out of the way. Bye bye!